Years ago, a friend of mine was going through medical school.
She was always stressed out, overworked, and exhausted.
Yet when we talked she would praise herself for doing simple things, like studying for the next exam or showing up during tough rotations.
She would high-five herself.
I had never met anyone who did that. I thought it was super nerdy.
Despite being skeptical, I tried it.
I now regularly encourage my clients to try this practice, too.
As humans we have something called negativity bias. Biologically we are hard-wired to find what’s wrong so that as a species we could continue to survive.
If we only praised ourselves for gathering berries or catching a big fish, we wouldn’t be on alert to notice the saber tooth tiger heading towards the entrance of our cave. We wouldn’t be on alert that certain berries could be lethal if eaten.
While negativity bias was literally life-saving back in the day, our brains sometimes get carried away.
Growing up in critical or dysfunctional households, this concept also gets solidified for many folks that I work with.
It can be hard to give yourself praise.
It can feel weird to celebrate accomplishments; it might feel especially unnatural to acknowledge the small wins.
Lisa Ferentz, LCSW, in her book Treating Self-Destructive Behaviors in Trauma Survivors (2015) calls this the “Yeah, but” syndrome.
If someone gives you a compliment (like your therapist or a friend), you might shrug it off and say, “Yeah, but I haven’t done X, Y or Z yet!”
There will always be something on the to do list. That’s part of life. There will be more goals.
There will also be ways to improve, to do better, to do more.
Although we live in a world where marketing strategies implore us to be constantly striving for the next shiny thing, maybe we can practice being satisfied right here, right now.
Take a moment right now to reflect on your past week.
Have you been minimizing any accomplishments?
Are you discounting your strengths?
Did you feed yourself today?
Did you take care of a child today?
Did you workout today?
Did you make your bed?
Take a moment to give yourself a high-five for all of the things you’ve been doing well.
Praising yourself for brushing your teeth may seem silly but that took effort.
Noticing your body was hungry and giving it food for fuel is an act of self-love.
Soothing your body by putting on moisturizer or protecting the body with sunscreen are all ways you might care for yourself.
I am giving small examples because these often get ignored and overlooked.
If you lower your perfectionist-bar, what are you doing well?
Just like working out at the gym, right-sizing your wins (not minimizing them) is a practice.
It feels uncomfortable at first. It takes work.
Practice. Show up. Try it again.
Treat yourself the way you might treat a friend.
And don’t forget the self high-five!
Hannah
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