The most undeniable certainty of life is death.
Grief is a universal experience.
Whether we’re mourning the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a cherished pet, or even the disruption of our daily routine, grief finds its way into our lives in many forms.
Yet, despite grief's universality, navigating the choppy waters of loss can feel isolating and overwhelming.
Fortunately, there are numerous grief-related therapy models, theories, and books designed to offer guidance and support as we navigate these challenging times.
One model that I find particularly insightful is the “Dual Process Model” of grief [from Stroebe and Schut; illustrated chart below]. It allows for the complexity of grieving, granting space for both the sorrow of loss and the necessity of moving forward.
Grief is not limited to the death of a loved one.
It can be triggered by various forms of loss, each one deeply personal and valid.
Here are a few examples:
The death of a loved one
The end of a relationship (romantic or platonic)
The loss of a beloved pet
The sudden or unexpected loss of a job
The transition from a healthy body with able-ness into dis-ability - due to either chronic illness or aging challenges
A significant change in life, such as moving to a new place or losing the comfort of familiar routines—like the grocery store in Michigan where you knew exactly where to find everything on your list
As humans, we can grieve nearly anything. Loss is loss, and its impact should never be underestimated.
In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), there’s a powerful concept called dialectics: the idea that you can hold two opposing emotions at the same time. The Dual Process Model of grief echoes this concept by recognizing that grieving is not a linear path but a fluid process where we oscillate between two primary states: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented.
In the loss-oriented phase, our focus is on the loss itself. This might involve:
Allowing ourselves to feel the deep sadness that comes with the loss
Looking through old photographs or revisiting memories
Experiencing moments of denial or avoiding the reality of the changes that have occurred
On the other hand, the restoration-oriented phase focuses on adapting to the changes brought about by the loss. This phase might include:
Engaging in new activities, such as going for a hike or trying a new hobby
Seeking out intentional distractions, like meeting a new friend for lunch or diving into a Netflix series
Embracing new roles, identities, or relationships that emerge in the aftermath of loss
The beauty of the Dual Process Model is that it doesn’t force us to choose between grieving and living. Instead, it acknowledges that both are essential and that we can—and often do—move back and forth between these two states. This oscillation is a natural and healthy part of the grieving process, allowing us to honor our losses while also finding a way to continue living our lives.
For instance, after October 7th last year, many Jews oscillated between the loss-oriented sadness, shock, and horror, and the restoration-oriented acts of honoring their Jewish identity, engaging in social justice advocacy, and connecting with other Jews.
As you navigate your own journey through grief, remember that it’s okay to feel both the pain of loss and the pull toward life.
Embrace the duality of your emotions, and give yourself permission to move through grief in a way that feels right for you.
The Dual Process Model is just one of many tools available to help you find your way through this challenging time.
If you’re interested in forging new relationships and seeking support through your own grief process, join me for an upcoming group or workshop.
Warm regards,
Hannah
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