Caring for Your Inner Exiles: The Most Sensitive Parts of You
- Hannah Kanter
- Mar 3
- 3 min read
Let’s talk about the most tender, vulnerable parts of you—the ones that often feel like they’re carrying the weight of every heartbreak, rejection, or moment of being overlooked. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we call these parts Exiles. They’re the deeply sensitive members of your internal system, and while they might seem fragile, they’re also the key to profound healing when approached with care and compassion.
Who Are the Exiles?
Exiles are parts inside of you that hold onto the pain from your hardest moments. They’ve been wounded in ways that can feel overwhelming—through rejection, abandonment, or mistreatment in relationships. Because their pain can feel so intense, your Managers (another type of internal parts) often step in to protect you by banishing these Exiles, keeping them out of sight and away from the rest of your internal system. For instance a part might say, "That bad thing didn't happen" or "You're being dramatic. It wasn't that bad." While this internal comment seem helpful, it leaves the Exiles feeling misunderstood, neglected, and desperate for connection. Over time, their hurt doesn’t go away; instead, it grows stronger, waiting for a chance to tell their stories and find relief.
What Do Exiles Want?
At their core, Exiles want care, love, and connection. But when those needs go unmet, they can lead you toward self-sacrificing behaviors or staying in relationships that don’t feel safe, just to feel close to someone. It’s not because they’re “too much” or “too needy”—it’s because they’re trying to find a sense of security the only way they know how. The automatic survival response for many wounded parts of ourselves is to attach. Picture a little girl inside during a thunder storm who just wants a hug to feel better when the thunder gets loud.
How to Care for Your Exiles
It might feel tempting to keep these parts locked away, but Exiles don’t need to be “fixed” or hidden. What they want is to be heard.
Acknowledge Their Pain: Start by recognizing these parts of you without judgment. Their feelings are valid, and their longing for care is human.
Offer Compassion: Instead of trying to push them away, offer these parts kindness. Imagine speaking to them the way you would to a hurting child—with patience, understanding, and warmth.
Meet Their Needs Gently: Ask your Exiles what they truly need. Often, it’s not about finding someone else to fill the void—it’s about creating a sense of safety and care within yourself.
This process can feel overwhelming. That’s okay. Working with a therapist can provide a supportive space to connect with these parts of you and help them find healing without letting their pain take over.
Your Exiles aren’t a sign of weakness—they’re a testament to your capacity for deep feeling and connection. By learning to care for these tender parts of yourself, you’re not only healing old wounds but also building a stronger, more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Take it one small step at a time. You’ve got this.
Warmly,
Hannah
Safe, seen, and held. Just like this baby, your Exiles long for warmth, care, and connection. Healing starts with listening. #IFS #InnerHealing #SelfCompassion"
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