Complicated Mourning: When Grief Lingers

Waves on the empty shore: Grief can feel like a wave, something that crashes over you, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely, and eventually, with time, recedes.

Grief can feel like a wave, something that crashes over you, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely, and eventually, with time, recedes. But for some, grief doesn’t just go away; it sticks around, twisting into something more complex—what we call complicated mourning. This isn’t just about missing someone. It’s about grief that lingers in ways that feel unsettling and out of control.

Let’s break down what complicated mourning might look like and how it can affect your life.

Phobias and Fears

In complicated mourning, the fear of death or illness can become overwhelming. You might find yourself obsessively worried about your own health or the well-being of those around you. This isn’t just the normal anxiety we all feel at times, but an exaggerated, persistent fear—often linked to the death of someone close. You may also experience a sudden, intense fear of future loss, leading to avoidance or withdrawal from things you once enjoyed.

Radical Life Changes

It’s not uncommon for someone experiencing complicated mourning to make radical, sometimes impulsive changes in their lifestyle—changing jobs, moving homes, or even severing ties with people who remind them of the deceased. This can feel like an attempt to "escape" the grief or the memories, but it often leaves the person feeling even more disconnected.

Preoccupation with the Deceased

If your thoughts constantly return to the person you’ve lost, this is a sign that your mourning may have become complicated. You may find yourself imitating their behavior, keeping objects or routines that remind you of them, or feeling the need to perform rituals connected to them. In some cases, it can even go as far as developing physical symptoms that resemble the deceased’s, or even mimicking their illness behaviors.

Isolation and Alienation

Complicated mourning can bring an overwhelming sense of alienation. You might distance yourself from family, friends, or activities that once felt comforting, as they now feel tied to the person who’s gone. There’s a deep sense of isolation that comes with this kind of grief, a feeling of being separate from the rest of the world, as if no one can truly understand what you’re going through.

Self-Destructive and Compulsive Behaviors

Sometimes, grief morphs into self-destructive behaviors. This could manifest as reckless actions, compulsive care-giving, or even “replacement” relationships—new people filling the space left by the deceased, but never truly healing the underlying pain. These actions are often a way to cope with overwhelming emotions but may ultimately lead to more distress.

The Illusion of Euphoria

It might sound strange, but some people in complicated mourning experience false euphoria, where they appear overly cheerful or "fine," despite still struggling with deep emotional pain. This can be a defense mechanism, masking the intense sadness with a facade of happiness, but it usually fades and leaves an even deeper sense of emptiness.

What Complicated Mourning Isn’t

It’s important to recognize that some things can look like complicated mourning but are actually part of the normal grieving process. Feeling a part of yourself has died, wanting to maintain memories, or experiencing recurring waves of grief months after the loss—all of this is common. But when those feelings turn into obsession, avoidance, or isolation, it may be time to seek support.

How to Navigate Complicated Mourning

If the descriptions above feel familiar, or if you recognize these patterns in someone you love, the first step is to acknowledge that these feelings are real, but they don’t have to control your life forever.

Therapy can help unravel some of the tangled emotions and behaviors. It’s also important to reach out for social support, even if it feels difficult.

Healing from complicated mourning takes time, patience, and, most importantly, compassion—both for yourself and for those around you.

For a deeper dive into the duality of grief, listen to The Duality of Grief with Lara Krawchuk for valuable insights on how grief can be both a painful and transformative experience.

Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. It’s messy, unpredictable, and often more complicated than we expect.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) can help people move through grief by allowing them to connect with and heal the different parts of themselves that hold pain, anger, and sadness, fostering a deeper understanding and integration of their emotions.

If you feel stuck in your mourning, remember that you don’t have to face the pain or the parts of yourself that grief brings up alone.

An empty bench under a wide sky—grief can feel endless, like you're waiting for someone who won't return.